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Standing up at a big birthday? Whether it’s Mum’s 80th, your best mate’s 40th or Grandad’s 100th, tell us about them and your favourite stories, and we’ll write a birthday speech that sounds like you and gets the whole room smiling, in about a minute.
An example opening
Written from a daughter’s answers about her mum, Peggy: 80 this year, a Burnley fan who hasn’t missed a home game since 1974, and the woman who once turned a flat-pack wardrobe into a bookcase.
Mum has not missed a Burnley home game since 1974. That’s over fifty years in the cold at Turf Moor, and every single time she says “it’ll be reet”. Ladies and gentlemen, that is either loyalty or madness, and after eighty years I still can’t tell which.
I’m Peggy’s daughter, and tonight I’ve got the job of summing her up. Stubborn, generous and hopeless with technology. This is a woman who set out to build a wardrobe without the instructions and finished with a bookcase. Mum, it’s still the best bookcase in Lancashire.
How we write a birthday speech
- Your stories, not ours. Every story comes from what you tell us. Nothing is made up, so nobody in the room can say “that never happened”.
- Jokes that are kind. Gentle teasing about their habits and quirks, and never cheap shots about age, health or weight, even at a 90th.
- As cheeky as you like, or not. Choose clean, a little cheeky, or risqué for an adults-only crowd.
- Three versions to choose from: mostly funny, funny and heartfelt, or mostly heartfelt.
- A proper toast at the end, plus three delivery tips for the big moment.
What to include in a birthday speech
The birthday speeches people remember usually have the same simple shape:
- An opening that sounds like them: a habit, a saying or a story everyone in the room will recognise.
- Who you are, in one line, for anyone who doesn’t know you.
- A funny story or two, the kind the family still brings up every Christmas.
- The heartfelt bit: what they mean to you, and to everyone who’s turned up for them.
- The toast. Ask everyone to raise a glass to the birthday star.
Speeches for every milestone
We write speeches for every big birthday, from an 18th or 21st to a 60th, 80th, 90th or 100th. For a younger crowd the humour can be louder. For a family do with grandchildren in the room, choose “Clean” and it will stay that way. If there’s anything to steer clear of, such as a sore subject or someone who can’t be there, tell us in the last step and it will be left out.
How long should a birthday speech be?
Two to four minutes is the sweet spot, roughly 260 to 450 words. Guests are usually holding a drink and waiting for food, so shorter nearly always goes down better. If you’re one of several speakers, choose “Short”.
Tips for giving a birthday speech
- Pick your moment, ideally just before the cake or straight after the meal, when everyone is sitting down and the music is off.
- Get the glasses filled before you start, so the toast doesn’t turn into a scramble for the bar.
- Look at the birthday star during the heartfelt bit. That’s the moment people remember.
- Let the laughs land. Pause after a punchline rather than rushing into the next line.
Prefer to write it yourself? Read our guide to how to write a birthday speech.
Questions
How much does it cost?
Reading the opening is free. Unlocking all three full versions is £9.99, a one-off payment.
Who writes the speech?
Our speechwriting system, which uses artificial intelligence. It works only from what you tell us, so it sounds like you and the person you’re celebrating.
What if I can’t think of a funny story?
Small things work just as well as big ones. A saying they always use, a daft habit, the thing they always get wrong. Give us a sentence or two and we’ll do the rest.
Is my information private?
Yes. Your answers are used only to write your speech and are deleted automatically after a set time. See our privacy policy for details.
Looking for a different speech?
Wedding: Best man · Father of the bride · Mother of the bride · Groom · Bride · Maid of honour
Other occasions: Birthday · Anniversary · Retirement · Leaving do · Eulogy