Try it free. Read the opening before you pay a penny. £9.99 for 3 versions.
ONLY pay if you LOVE it!
Whether you’re sending off a colleague after thirty years, saying a few words for a loved one, or giving your own farewell speech, we’ll help you get it right. Tell us about the job, the stories and what comes next, and we’ll write a speech that does them justice.
An example opening
From a few details about Graham: 32 years at the council, first in every morning, biscuits in the drawer, and famously allergic to spreadsheets.
For 32 years, Graham has been first through the door every single morning. Which means that for 32 years, the rest of us have walked in to find him already there, kettle on, biscuit drawer open, looking at us like we’d been out all night.
I’m Graham’s manager, at least on paper. Everyone in this room knows who really ran the planning department. Tonight I’ve got the job of saying goodbye to him, which is a bit like being asked to say goodbye to the building.
For someone else, or your own farewell
Choose whose speech it is when you start. For a colleague or loved one, we’ll celebrate their career and what’s next for them. For your own farewell, we’ll write it in your voice, with room for the thank-yous and a few parting words for those staying behind.
What you get
- Three complete versions: funny, heartfelt, and a balance of both.
- Workplace-safe humour. Gentle ribbing about the person, never jokes about the boss, “the boring one in accounts”, age or health. You choose how cheeky it gets.
- Built from your stories, never generic filler or made-up anecdotes.
- Delivery tips, plus a copy by email.
What to include in a retirement speech
- An opening that makes people smile, ideally about something everyone at work recognises.
- A quick look back: how long they’ve been there, where they started, the milestones.
- A couple of stories, one funny and one that shows what they’re really like.
- What they’ve meant to the team. This is the bit people remember.
- What’s next, then a toast to a long and happy retirement.
Paste at the very end, after “Can you write a speech for someone leaving, not retiring?”
What do I say in my own retirement speech?
Keep it light at the start, thank the people who made the job what it was (by name, if you can), share one or two memories, and finish with a few words of advice or good wishes for those staying behind. Choose “My own farewell speech” and we’ll write it in your voice.
How do I make it funny without offending anyone?
Aim the jokes at the person retiring, and gently at yourself, never at a department, the boss or “the usual suspects”. Avoid jokes about age, health and money. We follow those rules automatically, and you can set exactly how cheeky you want it.
Retirement speech tips
- Three to five minutes is plenty. People are standing, holding drinks, and waiting for the buffet.
- Mix the career highlights with the small stuff. Everyone remembers the biscuit drawer more than the restructure.
- Know the room. If the managing director or the family are there, keep it kind.
- Finish with what’s next: the golf, the caravan, the grandchildren. Then raise a glass.
Prefer to write it yourself? Read our guide to how to write a retirement speech.
Questions
How much does it cost?
Reading the opening is free. Unlocking all three full versions is £9.99, a one-off payment.
Who writes the speech?
Our speechwriting system, which uses artificial intelligence. It works only from what you tell us, so it sounds like you and the person you’re celebrating.
Can you write a speech for someone leaving, not retiring?
Yes. Choose “Leaving do” from our selection below:
Wedding: Best man · Father of the bride · Mother of the bride · Groom · Bride · Maid of honour
Other occasions: Birthday · Anniversary · Retirement · Leaving do · Eulogy